Stop Hurting Yourself
by uchuukuuma
Summary: Yukio and Rin both have their own ways of dealing with stress. Self harm warning
1. Pretty Awful

'Stop it!' I hear him shout. He doesn't say my name but barks a command at me. I hold the razor to my arm. I'm so tired. I just want to make a few cuts and go to bed. I knew he was home. I left the door open to the bathroom since no one lives here but us. I know he knows about this. I don't care today. I look him in the eye. I look him down even though his height is outranks mine. I have the advantage because I know what he was doing in here before me.

'Don't be a hypocrite.' I mutter as I grip firmer on the blade. 'Don't be mad that this doesn't affect me because I'm half-demon while your body will suffer.' I spit as I slid the blade over my arm. It hardly stings. Just enough for some blood, just enough to make my point. Before I can even finish making the slit the wound is already closing. All the blood the seeped out has regenerated back in my body. No scar will remain, just the memory and a red blade. I scoff at him because he knows I'm right. 'Close the door.' I command back at him.

—

I'm charging at him. I go for his weakness. Not his wounded arm, that doesn't matter, by the time I get to him it's already closed. My hand is gripping his tail, his stupid tail that he clumsily leaves out. He shouts in pain as I pull down on it reaching for his arm with blade with my other hand. 'I said _stop it_.' I breathe into his face. He's an idiot. _No evidence, no consequence_ he thinks. Ever since he awakened to his demonic power he started. He knows it won't hurt him physically. Not to mention the rush of relief that must come from those few seconds of slicing skin, just that moment, of forgetting that most of his life was a lie must be remarkable. I know of something similar. 'Deal with this pain properly.' I try to keep my voice calm, I'm talking to Rin yet it feels like I'm saying these words to myself.

'Say that to me again when you figure it out.' He shoots back gripping my arm with the blade. He's pulling it closer to his arm.

'Shut up!' I pull at his tail again; it's flicking agitated in my fist. I'm cut off from any more words as two of Rin's fingers are shoved in my mouth.

'Is this too stressful for you!?' he's pushing them deeper. 'Just throw up why don't you!' saliva is pooling in my mouth and dripping down my chin. He keeps moving and pulling his fingers so I can't bite down. I take the blade and push it hard on his arm and slide it slowly. He grunts in frustrated pain shoving another finger in my mouth further down my throat. I start to gag and mark another line on his arm.

—

He's trying to bite me but my fingers are pulling his cheek. He's holding onto my tail and I can't shake him off. Blood is falling down my arm crimson liquid pools at my pushed up hoodie sleeve and what isn't being absorbed drips from my elbow. Saliva falls from Yukio's mouth and on my hands as I shove them back down his throat. His eyes become watery and I realize my vision is becoming blurred the longer we stand here. I feel real pain in my arm and somewhere else. I feel the pain that I try to get rid of as I start to hear Yukio make the sound in his throat that he had mastered quieting. I pull my hands away.

—

He lets go and I run to the toilet. It's a mixture of water and something yellow I can't remember ingesting. It's a bland liquid with hardly any substance, something I'm not used to seeing. I glance at him panting. He looks at his arm in surprise. 'You cut me.' I hear him say, he almost chuckled.

'You made me throw up.'

We look at each other for a moment and erupt with laughter.

'We're seriously fucked up' my brother lets out with an amused tone.

'Pretty awful.' He looks at me his with wet eyes and a weak smile; I smile back holding my stomach.


	2. Working it Out

I walk back to the room after I wipe my arm. No marks, I thought there might be one from how hard Yukio had pushed but there isn't. The blood washed off as if it were fake, swirling down the drain, dark to pink to clear then gone. I glance at Yukio who is trying to still fully catch his breath before I take off my hoodie and leave it on the tile floor. I leave my brother alone with my blood. There's a spot on the floor that I can't bring myself to touch.

Did that fight really even happen?

I feel bad. I feel really bad.

—

I'm heaving in this ceramic bowl and I don't want to be. I don't want to do this anymore. The thought of stopping makes my stomach twist and I dry heave even more.

Once I feel my stomach start to settle I have to get up. I clean Rin's blood, there isn't a lot _thank God_, and I feel relief sway through me, _thank God I didn't make him spin a lot of blood_. Hastily I wipe the sink and the small pool on the floor. Picking up his hoodie to see how much blood got on it _I can get that out _I say to myself. This feels too routine. I stop myself. My whole body hurts and I finally feel something other than the bitter taste in my mouth. I feel awful. I feel really awful.

My appearance is appalling, well I figure if it matches anything like how I feel it much be something appalling. I can't bring myself to look. I don't want to see the dark circles under my eyes or how red my eyes are. I briskly walk past the mirror in the bathroom. The fluorescent lights are starting to put more pressure on my head. I need to get out of here. I walk to our room. I don't want to go in there, but where else do I go?

I figured, though never knew, that Rin actually knew about _me_. I saw him cut the first week we got to True Cross. I didn't tell him I saw, maybe he knew I saw…. It's strange. Everything about this feels strange. Another secret I didn't tell him. Another lie to the list.

—

Yukio walks in. He looks disheveled. I see him through the corner of my eye. How do I wanna say it? Exhausted? Is that the right word? Either way, I've never seen him look like this. It's really strange… I don't like it. His lips are parted and I can hear his breath, his feet slug across the floor to. He seems so vulnerable. I don't like it. I don't like this. I hurt again. I hurt and I feel the lump in my throat emerge. I don't know what I want but I don't want this. I don't like this at all. It's so strange it's so weird. I don't like it. I don't like seeing Yukio like this. I don't.

I can't bring myself to say anything. I don't even know what to say. Do I bring up what happened? Will we ever talk about what happened? He's taking off his his exorcist coat. I panic at the realization that Yukio came home to me cutting. I thought he was home already. But he must have walked in the door to see me. That feels worse, everything about this feels worse.

I want to scream.

I can't believe this happened. I can't believe we inflicted our self harm on each other. I can't-

I'm staring at my hands feeling the sweat pearl on my forehead. _I can't_….

—

He doesn't look at me, I'm not sure I want him to but it hurts. I can't even face him with more than a glance. I'm sure he's shocked to see me like this, even at our worst in battle I don't think I've looked this bad. I don't think I've ever felt this bad, that's not true. I can think of a time similar to this yet this feels worse. I feel like an idiot. 6 years I've been doing this and this is the first time I've truly regretted it. This is a joke, I'm a joke, Rin and I are both jokes. I'm clutching my stomach as I move to my bed. I can't seem to lift my feet as I walk across the floor I worry my shoes will scuff the wood panels. My breathing is loud and it bothers me but I can't bring myself to quiet it. I don't want to move anymore. I take my exorcist coat off, it's all I can manage right now. I didn't want to come home to a fight. He must not have realized I was home. Or maybe he thought I was and he didn't care. I fall on the bed placing my arm over my eyes. The school blazer feels tight as I lift my arm and my white shirt and the tie are uncomfortable. I don't care. I don't care about any of this. I'm weak. Once again I'm the weak one. I could gag. This pain won't go away even if I throw up again and that is making me angrier.

He made me… and I made him…. I groan and roll over facing the wall. _Why did this happen to us. Haven't we suffered enough? _I'm becoming lost in my thoughts until I hear Rin's voice behind me.

—

I hear Yukio shift on the bed and I'm snapped back to reality. He's probably in pain and nauseous and- it's all my fault. I get up quietly. Going back into the bathroom, it looks like when I walked in at first, clean and normal. I open the cabinet above the sink and take one of the cups, Yukio's green one, and fill it up with cool water. I reach back in and pop open the bottle of ibuprofen and shake two out. I dryly take the two pills myself and shake out another set. Holding the cup and pills I take a deep breath and walk back into our room. Yukio is facing the wall but I don't think he's asleep, not yet at least. I'm shaking, _stop shaking_, and I walk to the side of his bed.

'Here.' _Dammit_, I curse to myself. I wanted to sound strong and confident. My voice is soft from the tears I'm fighting back. I hardly cry. Why do I feel like crying so much?

Yukio rolls over.

—

Rin's voice is a whisper. I thought maybe I was imagining it but I could feel his presence behind me. I shift myself to face him he's holding out a cup and something else in his other hand. I reach for the cup.

It's water. Extending my other hand Rin places two small pills in it. I'm shocked but relived. My head was pounding and my stomach was turning. I put the medicine in my mouth and take a sip of the water. I have it sit in my mouth for a moment. I shut my eyes tightly and swallow.

'Thanks.' A find a smile, somewhere I find a smile, and give it to him. The corner of his mouth flicks up but fades quickly.

He sits down next to me. 'We should stop.' He doesn't look at me when he says it. My chest tightens and I nod. I agree. I completely agree but I can't imagine how to.

'I'll help you.' As if reading my mind he silences my troubles. He looks at me; he's so determined it's almost frightening. 'And you're gonna help me, too.'

I nod again, 'of course.' I find myself speaking without fully thinking. He nods and smiles back at me. I can see his teeth this time.

—

I smile a real smile, it feels like it's been days since I've done that, God, how long as this day been? I don't even know what time it is. Late? Really freaking later? I guess it doesn't matter. I don't need to know. I just need to help my little brother and myself at this point.

'You're my brother.' He knows this, but I feel like he needs a reminder right now. 'And I'm here for you.' I like this feeling right now. 'I'll always be here for you.' I ruffle his hair. It feels like a forced gesture but I really don't know what else to do at this point. I stand up and glance back at my bed. 'I'm- uh- gonna get some rest, you should too.

'Goodnight, Yukio.' I don't know what else to say. I'm either lost in my thoughts or saying too much. I think this is right though? This feels like enough… enough for tonight.

I crawl into bed. I don't realize how tired I actually am until my head hits the pillow. I hope we're okay… I hope my brother is okay…

—

I'm stunned by the confidence my brother left before me. It wasn't his most brilliant moment but it's something I'll remember when I'm feeling lost. I scoff, _always the one who I can't surpass_. But the words don't hurt at the moment. It feels nice. He tells me goodnight and I scramble to find the words to match.

'Goodnight, Rin.' I say without worry. The room feels thick but not cloudy, I realize my uniform is weighing down on me and I get up to take it off. Shaking the layers of the day off of me. I see the sleeping form of my brother and I feel content. I slip back into bed. We have a lot to work on. We have a lot to become. I know he'll be okay. I know we'll be okay.


	3. Recovery

**(last chapter! notes at the end!)**

* * *

I know he can feel my presences even though he hasn't moved. He's standing in the same place I was so long ago now. I hold back a chuckle thinking back then, it's been what? 3 years? Sheesh.

"Don't cut yourself." I joke, gesturing to Yukio, he's shaving. He leans his head back and smirks at me giving a relieved breath. _Yeah I know. It's nice to be able to joke about this._ I enter the bathroom now and stand next to him. I see our aged reflection, still as handsome as ever of course; I'm even the same height as Yukio. I stand on the tips of my toes to give him a reminder that the little brother isn't so tall anymore.

"I get it." Yukio stares at me through the mirror and continues to shave. I prefer the scruff, I'm 18 after all and I don't want to look like a kid. "You're tall. You _finally_ fit your growth spurt." He drags out the word 'finally' giving a smirk to himself. Sheesh…

–

I think back to when he followed me into the bathroom to make sure I wouldn't do anything. It was annoying and I didn't find it enduring back then, but now I'm really thankful to have such a persistent older brother. I know he's standing there but I wait for him to say something first. I'll give him the satisfaction this time.

He makes a joke and I lean my head back and smile. I'm relieved that his joke doesn't hurt and that I can smile at it because, well, I know he's okay. Rin walks over to me and I move slightly so we both fit in the mirror as he stands up tall showing off his height.

"I get it. You're tall. You finally fit your growth spurt." I mess with him as he rolls his eyes at me.

I rinse the razor in the sink and lift my head to finish under my chin. Rin's still looking at me and I feel his chin rest on my shoulder.

"Can I do it?" He asks pointing at the razor.

"Excuse me?" I question taken back, the water running through our silence. I feel the weight leave my shoulder he's looking me in the eye.

He rubs his chin, "you're gonna have to teach me how when the higher ups see me anyway." He smirks. And before I saw another word he's got the razor from my hand.

–

I can't believe he actually agreed to let me. I'm excited but nervous since...I…well….haven't done this before…ahaha…

"You sure?" I ask before one of us changes are mind.

"I guess." He said and swallows and I see his adams apple move and I bring the razor up.

I push it on his skin and pull up. The white shaving cream gathers to the silver top of the tool in my hand revealing smooth hairless skin. I take a deep breath. I find myself smiling, _this is how it's done_, I find myself thinking. I'm pretty sure Yukio is looking at me right now.

–

It's weird having someone shave your skin. But I didn't feel a knick or blood so it's good so far. I look down at him and he's got a smile that looks as he's reminiscing. I swallow again and he rinses off the razor bringing it back up. He sticks out his tongue a bit and it only takes two more swipes before it's done. He rinses off the razor after each swipe and the way his eyes concentrated on my skin makes the spot tingle. I take the wash clothes and whip off the remaining foam on my neck and chin.

"Not bad." I saw looking. It's really close and clean, a natural. The words hit my mind before I could even filter and I look at him panicked. "Thanks..." I mumble out placing the cloth on the back of my neck.

"No problem." He smirks again rubbing his own chin again and then examines his work, bending down from the waist and hands on his hips. He looks up at me sparkling blue eyes hit my cerulean ones. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah." I walk into our room, still our room, and put on my exorcist coat. Rin had his on when he walked into the bathroom. He's way too proud to not wear it. This is just the same old routine for me. I rub my neck. Thinking about the routine I used to live and shudder.

Of course I had slip ups in the years of recovery. Every day is a victory I don't do it. I button up my coat and close my eyes. I couldn't have done it without him. I'm so much stronger than I used to be.

–

I follow him into our room and watch as he puts on his coat. Mine's already on, it's honestly my favorite part of my day, I finally earned it; I'm an exorcist. I put my hands in my pockets pushing my nail into my pointer finger I used to pull up the razor on my brothers skin. Different shape same idea. I couldn't hurt him. Never. I would never hurt him. I used a tool that I thought was proper punishment for only myself. And it wasn't in a negative way. I smile as I look at the back of Yukio's head, his brown hair shorter than when we were little. Mine's longer tied in a little pony tail in the back. _We really have grown and changed, huh, Yukio?_ I laugh to myself thinking of how mad we got at our slip ups and the food I cooked when we went a week, month, year… ahaha there's no way I could have stopped if he wasn't with me.

"What's so funny?" He asks me taking the key that leads to our new mission as I lean down for my kurikara.

"We were idiots when we were younger." Blurting out he looks at me wide eyes then sighs fixing his glasses.

"We were." He shrugs and walks past me. "You still kind of are."

"Hey!" I shout running towards him. I give him a soft smile after I flip him off.

He opens the door gripping my shoulder. "Congrats on another year, Rin." Behind his glasses I can see the water rim his eyes.

"You too, Yukio." I adjust the strap on my sword bag and walk through. There's still more to go on our paths to recovery.

* * *

**Notes:**

Hi! So this is long over due but this is the end of this! Originally inspired by this fic of the idea of Rin cutting himself.

I'll probably should but won't go back and edit this... so this is the gist of how i wanted it to end haha;; it feels different from the other 2 chapters since there was a lot of time in between and because i have kind of fallen out of the bluexo fandom...

I'll be posting other yukio/rin sipbits on here in the future! thank you so much for reading! ٩꒰｡•‿•｡꒱۶


End file.
